if you love them, hold them close.

today i lost my job.
had my identity stolen.
and all i can think about is you. i love you, but i'm not allowed to say it. because i have a boyfriend (whom I also love), and you call that selfish. you call me selfish for abandoning one parent for another. you call me selfish for telling you that i didn't hold you because i was lonely, but because i cared about you. you call me selfish for cutting people off when they get to be too much.

you're too much for me, but when you're not with me i can't stop thinking about you. you're fragile, i know that. i realize you don't want to be that, but you told me you were. in so many ways. and i'm so unassuming because i think people appreciate that.

not you. me being unassuming is selfish. (according to you).

i would rather know someone loves me than to not know. but not you. you're so different, and so interesting, and so passionate. and i love that about you. but you're scary. when you get angry. and its not violent, but its passionate. (equally scary). i've adored you since we were 15. you were hot shit and i was the pretty girl's friend. you didn't notice me. but by the time you did, it was too late. i was in love.

you didn't care. you told me to go with what i felt, not the best "option" after having weighed them. i love you, but he's still my best option. he loves me, we fight, we make love, we work well together. his passion balances my (frightening) ability to detach at a moment's notice. your passion makes me cry. he wants to marry me. you want ?. he tells me i'm beautiful. you tell me that you want to be around me even when i'm sleeping. he's 3,000 miles away. you're 10 minutes away. he's my best friend. and so are you.

i'm going crazy inside because i can't have you. in any capacity. and this is scary, but a part of me hopes that something goes wrong between him and i so that you and i will work. i even contemplated telling him about us so that we could be together. but i didn't. because then i hurt another man that i love. in the end, i was going to hurt someone. i chose you. you have plenty of time to find wonderful women that i'll hate to see you with. him and i have planned our life together.

last time i went with the easy choice, i cried for days before, during, and after breaking up with him because it wasn't what my soul wanted. i love you, but you're the easy choice.

i may have said no, but i never want to see you with another girl.
(you told me to get used to it. i forgot to tell you that i never will).


today's lesson: if you truly love someone, do not hurt them. it hurts you the most.